


"Drake, seriously?"

by FearfulKitten



Series: Batman Bingo 2020 [2]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Batman and Robin (Comics), DCU, DCU (Comics), Nightwing (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Red Hood/Arsenal (Comics), Red Robin (Comics)
Genre: Batboys, Batfamily (DCU), Batman Bingo, Blood, Blood and Injury, Bullet wound, Car Chases, Crack, Fights, Gen, Injury, What is a crack fic though?, batbros, batman bingo 2020, i cant think of any serious tags rn, i think thats all, is this a crack fic? I think so, its not too graphic but it exists and I forgot it can trigger people sorry, no beta we die like robins, oh yeah I just remembered, they're yelling at each other, very chaotic setting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-08-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:34:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25655983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FearfulKitten/pseuds/FearfulKitten
Summary: “Ooooh fuck. Fuck, this is bad, fuck.” Jason exclaimed, before whispering to himself “I gotta find a way of blaming this on Red Robin, before Batman kills me.” Then it dawned on him “Oh my God he’ll kill me. Kill me!”Or: Dick gets shot and everyone is freaking out.Inspired by that first car chase scene in 6 underground, where Two has been shot and everything is chaotic.
Relationships: Batboys - Relationship, Batbros - Relationship, Tim Drake & Dick Grayson & Duke Thomas & Jason Todd & Damian Wayne
Series: Batman Bingo 2020 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1852759
Comments: 33
Kudos: 353





	"Drake, seriously?"

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there! So I have a lot of things that I should be doing, but instead of doing those things, I'm back on my bullshit again.  
> I wrote this because I ramdomly remembered my mom laughing about how that scene is ridiculous, because you don't remove a bullet in a situation like that, you just stop the bleeding. Anyways, I thought it'd fill that slot in the bingo card pretty well. I hope you guys like it!

“Ooooh fuck. Fuck, this is bad, fuck.” Jason exclaimed, before whispering to himself “I gotta find a way of blaming this on Red Robin, before Batman kills me.” Then it dawned on him “Oh my God he’ll kill me. Kill me!”

“’s not thaaaat bad.” Dick looked down at the bullet wound in his shoulder.

“This is awful Nightwing, what the fuck are you talking about? You’ve been shot! You’re _allowed_ to panic!”

“Shut up, both of you!” Damian complained “He won’t panic because he’s in shock, and let’s _keep it that way_.” He scowled at Jason, who was in the front seat “Nightwing, you’re bleeding, but don’t panic, I need you to cooperate with me.”

“I’m bleeding?!” Dick shouted “What the fuck happened?!”

“Way to go Damian.” Tim interviened.

“Fucking drive, Drake.” He turned to Duke, sitting next to them, looking more panicked than usual, and handed him his Robin cape “Here. Put pressure on his shoulder. He _will_ scream. Keep pressing it.” Duke nodded “Listen,” He adressed his oldest brother “You got shot on your right shoulder and passed out after falling and hitting your head on the concrete. You’re awake now, let’s keep it that way.”

Dick shrieked in pain.

“I don’t think you have to worry about me sleeping! Fuck!” He kicked the driver’s seat involuntarily.

“Don’t fucking do that!” Tim yelled.

“Don’t yell at him, he’s in pain!” Jason yelled back.

“Do you fucking want me to crash this fucking car Jason?! Because I will crash this fucking car!”

“Don’t crash the car! It isn’t even ours!” Duke shouted from the back seat. He looked down at the wounded hero “I am _so_ sorry about this.”

“It’s fine-AH!” He said through gritted teeth.

“I’m sure you’ve been through worse.” Damian said, pulling out whatever med equipment he had in his belt.

“Doesn’t make this any easier!” He answered “Fuck!”

“Sorry...”

“Don’t apologize, you’re keeping him alive!” Damian growled back. A shot hit the car, shattering the break lights “Fuck, they’re chasing us! I’ll have to give you stitches here and now Dick. Thomas, is he still bleeding?”

“What?!” All of them yelled.

“Shut up, I can do it! Thomas, answer me damnit!”

“A little, yes, but it’s definetly less.”

Another bullet went through the car, shattering the windshield. Damian groaned.

“Can _one_ of the heroes in the car _full_ of heroes do _something_ about the guys _shooting at us_!?”

“Stop yelling I’m trying to drive!”

“You can’t drive if you’re dead!” Damian shouted “Red Hood, will you please get out of your fucking ass?!”

“I would, but you wouldn’t like what I’ll do!”

“I don’t care Todd, fucking do something! Thomas, move your hand, I need to stitch him up _now_!” The boy cut Dick’s uniform, exposing more skin.

“Fine!” Jason stuck his upper body out through the window and shot at the cars chasing them, then pulled himself back in the car “There’s too many, I can’t take them all out alone, you’re gonna have to lose them!”

“Thanks for the fucking tip, Jackass! What do you think I’ve been doing all this fucking time?!” Tim yelled, gripping the steering wheel.

“Stop yelling, I’m trying to fix him!” Damian chastised the duo. Dick screamed. Another bullet zoomed past them.

“Oh my God, I don’t wanna die!” Duke exclaimed.

“Shut up! I’m trying to do a decent suture here! You’re not the one in mortal danger!”

“Oh my God, am I in mortal danger?!” Dick shouted out.

“No!” Damian shouted back “Nobody dies under my watch!”

“Whoah, won’t you take the bullet out?” Jason asked, looking to the backseat over his shoulder. Damian and Tim looked at him as if he was the most disgusting being they had ever laid eyes on.

“Do you actively want your brother to die, Todd?!” He shouted “I’m trying to keep him from bleeding out! The bullet stays in!”

“But won’t it-.”

“It stays in!” Tim and Damian yelled at the same time.

“Fine! I just wanted to help!” He put his hands up.

Dick groaned in pain and punched the car roof.

“If you want to help then be quiet!” Another bullet flew by. They hit a speed bump, and Damian’s hand faltered on the needle, hurting Dick’s skin unnecesarily “Drake, seriously?!”

“I’m trying to stop us from getting killed!” He shouted back “I don’t have the _luxury_ of _slowing down_ for fucking _speed bumps_ at the moment!”

“You’re a lousy driver!”

“You’re a fucking brat!”

“Stop arguing while I’m bleeding to death!”

“You’re not going to die!” Both of them shouted back at Dick.

“Okay, that’s twice in less than twenty minutes.” Duke said “It’s freaking me out.”

“Shut up!” Tim and Damian once again shouted simultaneously.

“Three. So fucked up...” He whispered under his breath.

“Duke, not now.” Dick said, grinding his teeth “Damian don’t you have _any_ painkillers on you?”

“I found some ibuprofen in the glove box. It’s not much but...” Jason said, shaking a medicine box in front of them.

“Oh my God, so now we’re also stealing someone’s meds? Isn’t the car bad enough?” Duke asked.

“Seriously Duke, not now.” Dick said again. Damian reached for the box, shoving three pills in his brother’s mouth.

“Chew them, it speeds up the effects. I hope it helps.” Damian said.

“This is soooo fucked up...” He whispered one more time.

“Shut it, Thomas!” Damian growled, going back to the sutures “I’m almost done.”

“Oh, wait.” Jason said, tapping through his jacket “I have a grenade.”

The car was silent for a moment, before all of them simultaneously screamed some variation of ‘Why didn’t you think of this sooner?’.

“Shut up! I perform poorly under stress!”

“We were trained to perform under stress!” Dick shouted.

“You’re a moron!” Damian screamed.

“That’s why you fucking died!” Tim yelled.

“Low blow, asshat!” Jason pointed at him.

“Please, just throw the grenade!” Duke pleaded.

“Fine!” The Red Hood tossed it at the cars behind them, and the explosions took most of them out, but two cars were still chasing them by the time Damian was done with Dick’s sutures.

“I’m done. Tim stop the car we can handle them.” He said “Signal, I need you to stay back with Nightwing.”

“I’m fine, I can defend myself.” He picked up one of his escrima sticks.

“Fine. But if you tear open those sutures, I’m sticking my finger in the wound out of sheer spite.” He shoved his index finger at his face before kicking open the car door.

...

Bruce sighed.

“I’m gonna need you to walk me through this again.” He pinched the bridge of his nose “You acquired the flashdrive, destroyed the information, started the self destruction count down on their base, and then...” He waited for an answer yet he got four; Jason, Tim, Duke and Damian talked at the same time “Wait!” He yelled, stopping them “Jason. Go.”

“Dick got shot. It was Tim’s fault.”

“How was it my fault? You were the one who set off their alarm system!”

“You set off their alarm system?” Bruce asked, eyes wide with disbelief.

“That’s not the whole story!”

“Then what is the whole story?” He crossed his arms.

“Devilspawn was distracting me.”

“Shut up, Todd. Don’t blame your incompetence on me.”

“You were trying to take the flashdrive away from me!” Jason threw his hands up “Of course I’d trip into their lasers!”

“You wanted to shove it down your pants!” Damian protested.

“Duh? No one would try to get them there.”

“So let me see if I’m getting this...” Bruce interrupted “Jason activated their alarm system after falling on top of their laser sensors because Damian was trying to stop him from putting a flashdrive in his pants?”

“Yes.”

“Correct.”

“Pretty much.”

“He’d shove it into his _underwear_ , father.”

Bruce sighed.

“And why did Dick get shot?”

“They had guns.” Jason said.

“Yes, I understand that.” Bruce stared at him “Why was he in the crossfire?”

“The lights turned off, I couldn’t see where the shooters would be to warn them.” Duke said.

“I see. But, please, enlighten me on the reason why you threw a hand grenade on the middle of the busiest avenue in Gotham.”

“Did you want us to _die_?!” Tim blurted out “There were over ten cars chasing us, and Dick was bleeding out on the back seat! We should’ve done it earlier.”

“We _would_ have done it earlier,” Damian glared at Jason “If _someone_ wasn’t completly incompetent.”

“I’m gonna strangle you, you little rat.” He muttered.

“Try it, Todd.” The boy pulled out his sword. Jason grabbed his guns. Duke jumped in front of them.

“Okay, okay, I think we’re getting a little too heated.” He said “Look, at least everyone is alive, right? And there were some major damages to the city’s infraestructure, but no civilians were actually killed in the explosion, since they had mostly cleared out the avenue after the chase started.” He had his hands up, trying to keep the peace “I think that’s a win.”

Bruce turned around, meeting Cass, who was eating some colorful candy behind him.

“You’re sending me next time?”

“I’m sending you next time.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hello again! I hope you had some fun when reading. It's the first time I wrote anything like that, so I hope I've done it right. If you liked this and want to see more of my writing, check out my tumblr blog @fearfulkittenwrites, and feel free to send me requests! I also have a personal blog, @fearful-kitten01, where I reblog a lot of things. This isn't beta read, and english isn't my first language, so if there are any mistakes on this, please point it out in the comments, it helps a lot! I love you all, thanks for reading, stay safe.  
> ps: Don't chew on pills you're supposed to swallow, okay? Also, don't take medical advice from fanfics, that's really not a good life choice.


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